Coming soon · Book Profile

Difficult Conversations

This book provides a framework and actionable techniques for transforming emotionally-charged, difficult conversations into productive learning conversations by deconstructing them into their three core components: what happened, feelings, and identity.

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What it’s about

Every day, we face conversations we dread, from giving critical feedback to ending a relationship or disagreeing with a majority. We often feel caught between avoiding the conversation and risking a damaging confrontation. 'Difficult Conversations' offers a way out of this dilemma by introducing the 'Learning Conversation'—a powerful shift in mindset from delivering a message to engaging in mutual understanding. Drawing on decades of research from the Harvard Negotiation Project, the book reveals that every difficult conversation is actually three conversations in one: the 'What Happened?' Conversation, the Feelings Conversation, and the Identity Conversation. By learning to navigate the common traps within each—such as arguing about who's right, ignoring emotions, and letting our self-image get hijacked—you can reduce anxiety, improve outcomes, and strengthen your personal and professional relationships.

The through-line

Who it’s for: A professional, parent, or partner who wants to maintain and improve important relationships, but often finds themselves avoiding or mishandling difficult conversations.
The problem: Facing crucial but dreaded conversations about performance, disagreements, broken promises, or relationship issues. Feeling anxious, frustrated, guilty, misunderstood, and powerless when contemplating or engaging in these conversations.
The plan: Recognize that every difficult conversation is actually three conversations (What Happened, Feelings, Identity).
Shift your internal stance from one of certainty and persuasion to one of curiosity and learning.
Learn and apply specific skills to begin from a neutral place, listen to understand, express yourself clearly, and problem-solve jointly.
The payoff: Handling difficult conversations with less anxiety and greater effectiveness. · Strengthening personal and professional relationships by navigating conflict productively. · Resolving problems that were previously avoided, leading to better outcomes and a stronger sense of integrity and self-respect.

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